I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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