A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
