I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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