For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
