ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
