Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Rumble strips road head = magical
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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