So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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