ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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