I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
