How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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