Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
