Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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