i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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