and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
