I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
