dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
