I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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