I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
