Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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