Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
