She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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