her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
