i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
