I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
