I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
