He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
