i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
