I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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