i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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