watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
