Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sex in the backyard? Check.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
