i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
