Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
