Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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