The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
