k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
