So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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