I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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