you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
