sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found puke in my bra..
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
