So drunk its hurt
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
MIDGETS
????
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
