ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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