put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
