I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
