I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
