I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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