I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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