Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
