Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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