You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
